I just want you to:

And:

Oh and:

And don’t forget:

BUT INSTEAD I’M SITTING HERE LIKE:

…..fuck.

I had to really learn the ropes.

I guess that’s why I don’t go out of my way to trash other girls or “new girls”.

You learn that some of the things you said were ridiculous.

Like I used to get so mad about people missing their bf who they’ll see tomorrow. But I’ve learned that everyone can miss anyone after any period of time.

I’m grown enough to stand up and admit there were things that I’ve bitched about that were selfish in a way, but I’ve learned. 

SO THERE. =3

Like, I don’t even know how to physically interact with him anymore. I feel like I’ve forgotten. So we get home, take the elevator up. Walk in the apartment, and then what? 

When this moment comes, I hope I just go to autopilot so I can just be normal instead of freaking out and being like, wtf do I do? What do I say?

Distance is never at fault for the end of love.

I’m 22 years old. Older than most of the girls I see.

So old enough to drink beer.

I never saw myself loving a man in the military, but he was just too amazing.

My penmanship has not improved, but my boyfriends reading skills have. We talk every night on Skype. And he doesn’t like writing letters, so I don’t get that luxury.

I cry a lot because I have anxiety/depression. And it went through the roof when he left which at times makes me unable to function. And I do miss him a lot, but he’s still in my life. So it’s NOT incomplete without him.

I look tired because I work the night shifts, I push myself a little longer to stay up and talk to him. But I have always had a hard time sleeping anyways and have to take sleeping aids.

A girlfriend is NOT classified as a dependent. You truly are independent because you’re not recognized on a piece of paper.

I tend to myself and my cat. And get rides to work cause I don’t have a car. I’d be doing it anyways if he was home.

I do smile when I’m crying because I want it to stop. Or I know it’s going to be okay. You just gotta get a little bit stronger.

I understand he’ll go far away cause it’s his job. It’s no surprise and it’s nothing I’ll dwell over.

Same with being taken at a moments notice. Sure it’s going to suck and I’ll miss him. But it’s his duty. He knows that, and so do I.

I’ve ALWAYS felt a sense of pride. Not just because I’m in a relationship with a man  in the military, it SHOULD of been a life time thing for everyone. I try not to watch the news because that just upsets people. And I hate how everyone assumes he’s in Iraq, he’s not. 

I’d write, but he doesn’t like writing. So emails and skype calls will do. Sure I’ve lucked out and get them everyday and sometimes twice, I am truly lucky.

It’s just a 24 hour clock instead of 12. But really only the military uses it, hence the military time. But it’s not that hard to learn.

I don’t touch his uniform but to wash it. We’re both picky about our clothes. And he’d know how to do it just right. I don’t need to take care of him like a child.

I don’t mind people missing their boyfriends or husbands or whatever, whether they be in a military relationship or not. The only thing that bothers me is when you have 20+ posts about it a day.

I do remember the little things about him, like his smell, the way he sleeps. But eventually after a long time away, I can only remember it in my mind. It’s like he’s become a dream. I couldn’t see him on the bed, or walking down the hall anymore. He’s been gone too long.

I don’t devote my time in energy into staring at pictures. I guess it brings comfort to some, and that’s fine with me. And he’s only ever writen me two letters. On a small 4x6 piece of paper. That’s all I have. 

“Even though her man is half a world away, she manages to go on with her life, as he would want her to.” You HAVE to. There is no choice. Life goes on, and if you sit and wollow then you’ll bring yourself to a disgusting place and it’ll be hard to get going again.

No one knows my boyfriend is away from me. No one can see it on my face. Or in my body language. The only people who know are who I’ve told.

I’m am always half frowning half smiling because I have to keep it together, I have to keep going. I don’t wear pins or have decals on a car that doesn’t exist. I wear my pride in my heart, and it doesn’t matter if the whole world sees it or not. It’s just for me.

My wardrobe is NOT based on his branch. I have one shirt and it’s a hello kitty with an army shirt on. That’s it. I don’t live and breath his branch. I am my own person.

I’ve never had anyone thank me. I’ve only been told I don’t matter by a man at my work. I’ve had my friends leave me because they don’t understand. I’ve been alienated. But my friends tell me I’m so strong, and that’s all I need.

My mom asked me this in the car today after work. She said, “How many more days till Alec comes home?” I didn’t respond for like thirty seconds. “Like 40 days or something, I dunno.” Then I just kind of stared off and didn’t say anything else. “Aren’t you excited?” My response was, “Yeah, I just wish I knew when he was coming home.”

Aren’t you excited? AREN’T YOU EXCITED? AREN’T YOU EXCITED??…

I just wanted to look at her and say, “Of course I’m excited. I’d be crazy NOT to be excited. I just have a million and on things on my mind. A million and one things I have to get done before he comes home. I don’t know whats going on with the car. I don’t want to have to go out of state to get him. Maybe its selfish of me, but I don’t want to have to go drive 2-3 hours with Perkins to pick Alec up because he doesn’t want a 3 hour layover. Yeah neither do I but I don’t want to go down there, then go to lunch which will most likely turn into a 3 person affair. I just want to go home and spend time with you. Thats all. I dont’ want to have to sit in the car another 2-3 hours BACK home. 

Aren’t you excited????

Yeah, I’m excited. But I’m irritated because all I want to do is talk to him and I’ve barely been able to do that lately, and I have so much to tell him, and so much we need to sort out. Oh and I just worked a short but hellish shift at work. So I’m tired.

But don’t ever question me being excited to have him home. Honestly that’s all I want. That’s all I really want. I miss him and I just want him home. With me.

“Try to be happy.” she said before I shut the car door.

I am happy. I’m just tired. Tired of being alone. Tired of trying to find things to do to pass the slow times. I’m tired. It doesn’t help that I have to ration my anxiety/depression meds because I don’t have enough refills for the year. How you’re supposed to make 4 refills of 30 last till Jan of next year, I don’t know.

…I just want my baby back….

I won’t give up on us.

Even if they skies get rough.

Giving you all of my love,

I’m lookin up. Stil lookin up.

I won’t give up on us.

God knows I’m TOUGH enough.

We got a lot to learn,

God knows we’re worth it.

I won’t give up on us.

Even if the skies get rough.

I’m giving you all of my love,

I’m still lookin up.

“Another day of no more you.

I’m giving everyone attitude.

Slowly dying, kill me if I can’t be around you.

All I know is that I’m missing you,

I don’t care ‘bout nothing else but you

I’m two steps from losing it,

one more step I disconnect

feel like I might as well be dead

no I really don’t think I’ll make it without you.

I try to deal. I’m losing tears, if you were here I’m sure it would drown you.

All I know is that I’m missing you…. <3 I don’t care ‘bout nothing else but you.”

Please Come Home Soon…

110 Days Down Baby.

I just want you to:

And:

Oh and:

And don’t forget:

BUT INSTEAD I’M SITTING HERE LIKE:

…..fuck.

This face. I miss it terribly today. You’re so far away. Even the computer can’t catch the details of your face. The specks of colors in your eyes, ranging from green to brown, gold, blue. The depth they have. 

I want to run my hands over your freshly cut hair. The weird texture. Or when you haven’t shaved and I rub my hands on your face. I miss it. I miss the warmth of your skin on mine. I ache for it. 

Hmph. I just want to be able to sleep knowing you’re right next to me. Right where you’re supposed to be. Soon..SOON. We’re almost half way there baby. Almost there. I pray to God that time goes slow when you’re home, because I won’t want to let you go again. 

I still don’t know when you’ll be home for good…but having you here on leave for two weeks…it will be JUST ENOUGH to get me through till that time comes. 

And was walking to put my phone back in the bedroom and suddenly just STOPPED. And stood there. I thought of Alec, and was scared. I tried to picture him walking down the hallway…but parts are missing. I feel like I’m forgetting him. Not in a personal way. But physically. I know his face. But the rest is becoming distant…it hurts. 

I’m forgetting the way he walks. His weird movements from time to time. I’m trying to grasp it. Laying in bed secretly watching him walk out of the bedroom to get ready for work in the morning. But I can’t remember him. He’s becoming a blur in my mind. And I hate it. I miss him. I’m thankful I’ll never forget his face since I see it almost daily over crappy internet. But his detailed expressions…I’m forgetting. You can’t see the little things. I can’t see the way he presses his lips together when he’s trying not to laugh. Just…the little things you wouldn’t think you’d notice or even remember. But I did. And now I’m feeling like I’m forgetting. And I hate myself for it. But I know its time and distance’s fault.

Its about 5 months and change left till you come home for r&r. Everyday is closer, but sometimes it feels so much farther away. Its moments like this where it seems like a lifetime away. But I know it will pass. I just need to be reminded of the things I have seemed to forgotten…

P.S. Even though it didn’t seem like it. I got up when you did every morning. Majority time I pretended to be asleep and I’d just lay in bed and listen to you turn up the tunes & sing to whatever was on the radio in the shower. Singing songs you hate. And I’d always pretend to still be asleep when you’d come in and say goodbye ONLY because most of the time, you would either semi-cuddle with me or give me a little kiss extra. I always want one more. 

The more we talk, the more I love you.

The more I love you, the harder things get.

The harder things get, the stronger I get.

The stronger I get, the harder I break.

The harder I break, the more I want you.

The more I want you, the more I realize the distance.

The more I realize the distance, the more I miss you.

The more I miss you, the more I talk to you.

The more I talk to you, the more I love you.